There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
