This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
