Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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