I'm gonna have a badass scar
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
