I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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