Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
