Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
