Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
