I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
