Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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