i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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