Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
