his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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