if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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