Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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