Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
