i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
