my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
