I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
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