my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
