Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
