You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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