Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
