Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
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Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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