That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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