I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
