I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
