he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.