She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
