Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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