Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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