I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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