Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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