He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
