The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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