White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
