The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
