i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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