I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
