i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
