Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
