A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
