Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
