I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
