so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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