I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
