Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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