I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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