I'm passing your future prison.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
