Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
