Someone shit on the floor
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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