The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
