I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
