Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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